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Daily Life, Emotions

10/11/2021 I Battle!

My posts are far and between.  Right?  I was recently asked why.  Was my health so good/bad that I didn’t need to post?  Was I bored with writing?  Humm, how to answer their question.  Really there is no one answer. 

Let me assure you that I will never be bored with writing.  Not that I think my life is the most extra special life to live, nor that everyone should make me famous by reading my rambling thoughts.  Nope, I have always enjoyed putting thoughts and memories down in the written form. Thus, writing the blog is not boring, nor is it a task.  

To answer about how my health is.  It is under question at this time.  Yes, I have less pain unless ….   I do something stupid.  By stupid I mean, do something I know is a challenge to my body.  Either food, activity, or the amount of rest I give myself  [ i.e. Being lazy!].  Too much of either can send me into a flare; too little of either can send me into a flare.  Nothing much has changed there.

So, why?

With this move, now a year past,  I have to fight battles that are health related; but most are not.  Some of these are encounters are with other people, some with just myself. I hate fighting battles; they take so much out of me.  It seems that everyday there is a skirmish of some sort.  It could be over the house and the property; it could be expectations of someone else for what I should be able to do; it could be over my trying to raise my own organic food; heck, even why I try to be strict about my diet.  It could be over knowing something needs done, but not having the energy to tackle it myself and no one willing to step up to help.     

Each time I make a trip to the grocery store and see my cart getting smaller but the receipt is growing leaps and bounds, I have that ‘guilt’ battle. Guilt battle?  Yep, the battle of dealing with being told I am wasteful with someone else’s money.  Why can’t I shop like I use to?  I mean, Why don’t I choose food like he does and not care if there is antifreeze in it?  I place guilt on myself and then the spouse heaps it on top of my self-imposed feelings.  Then the guilt I feel when I have to ask for a driver.  For almost seven years now I need a driver to go to the grocery store.  By the time I walk all the miles of useless aisles looking for something I know the store carries, but they want to continually move to a ‘better’ spot, I am royally pissed off.  Not only that but some days I can be found hanging on to the shopping cart, scared to death that my legs will collapse or some other loving body part decide to go haywire.  Why in the heck am I so grumpy? 

I have realized that I take after both my parents.  Ummm, I know right?  I should, so why does it surprise me?  After almost seven years I am tired of the inability to just hop to doing what ever I choose to do.  Example, there are projects that really need done on this property.  Just eight years ago I would have said “to hell with it” and jumped right in doing it on my own.  But today?  I can not do that!  Simply walking out to my garden beds this morning was a little scary.  So, imagine starting an in-depth project and collapsing in the first day.  That is scary and hurtful to my well-being.  I would love to clean the windows of this house, but that requires a ladder.  With no willing help then the windows will never get cleaned.  If a step stool of one or two steps kicks my butt, what happens when I have to climb up six or more steps and stretch?  I can’t use a hose to clean the windows. They are single pane with glass that is over a hundred years old.  I even fear the pecans and what damage they can do if the wind kicks up.

Again, what makes me realize I take after the parents?  They would be as frustrated with the need to have something done as I am.  They were and are two that says to themselves that you might as well do it yourself.  Neither would sit by and not try to tackle a project.  Neither can sit idle and spend hours doing nothing.  I see that just one day of forced rest for me and my body as a day of waste.  One thing nobody can ever call me is “lazy”.  I have stood in my kitchen doing dishes and crying my eyes out because of pain, just to keep my body busy.  Oh, I do have games loaded on a tablet to occupy my brain, but I can never enjoy more than 30 minutes.  After that amount of time my body screams at me to find something, anything to do.  Knowing so much that needs done and not being able to tackle one thing makes me feel like an unproductive human.  We are not put on this earth to just sit and not do something daily.  Besides, if I just sit, my brain gets obsessed with the things that need tackled.  Add the fact that sitting on my fanny is painful after 15 minutes.  Someone gets to being a not nice angel about the things that she sees needs to be a priority. 

Now you see why I have not posted as much lately.  It is a vicious cycle that I am battling every day.  I battle sharing; I battle not sharing.  I battle the issue of money; I battle the issue of other’s opinions; I battle the issue of not having an outlet for my frustrations.  I even battle regrets and what ifs.  As a result, I choose to not write as much as I use to.  Besides, I have been told my opinion of some topics that I would tackle were not needed. 

On a positive note.  I find solace in my garden.  I may not be the best gardener, but my garden looks good.  I have even managed to get a feral kitten to claim my back porch.  He has even let me scratch his head, that is after I give him a few kibbles.  Where he sleeps has not been figured out yet.  But each morning around 8 he shows up and “owl’s” if I am standing at the door.  He has not offered me a present on my door step; hopefully he is eating them because he is skinny and small for a one to two year old cat.   

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