Well it is official. I am a hypocrite. Yep, a pain warrior hypocrite.
If you look at the past few posts then you know that I am hitting the keyboard a little too often. What does that mean? It means pain! It means my body hates me and my mind is yelling thoughts at me.
So, late last night I finished a post, and as I was hitting publish my mind started going to this post. I was thinking about all the previous posts where I talk about the tricks I have found that helps me work through pain without taking meds. I have written posts on daily things; on suggestions about diet; you name it I have written about it. Heck, I have even posted about going to the loo.
Here is the thing that makes me call myself a hypocrite. I don’t always follow my own advice. Take these last few weeks. With all the packing and trying to make the home web friendly for the pictures I have screwed up my body. Today I had to take one of my half pills that I hoard. That morphine causes all sorts of side effects. Today it is causing itching! The bug crawling all over the skin itching. It also causes me to want to puke. Sorry for the truth. “Nausea” is such a polite word, but “puke” tells it like it is. Add a bit of head spins in as I try to type. Recline?, nope! Just makes it worse. Thus, the keyboard is my friend today. It helps me tolerate the side effects enough.
With all these days of packing I knew yesterday, really about four or five days ago, that I should not be running up and down the stairs for a few days. But what did I do? Oh, about 30 trips with a death grip on the handrails. Then I also knew not to lift any of the boxes, did I listen to my body? You got it, No! So, this hypocrite is paying for it today. The day had ended before it even started. About 4 am I knew that I should have taken something, but…… So, I spent the rest of the night napping and waking to stretch, rolling over to ease the hips, half sitting up to ease anything that could be eased. My nights give me a full gym workout. I am exhausted! Who needs a treadmill? Who needs weights? Why, just flexing and stretching and pulling the legs to the chest for about 7 hours is all anyone would need. Then for the arms? Well use them to roll yourself, to lift yourself, and don’t forget to raise them above your head a few hundred times in those 7 hours.
Ok, down to the nitty gritty truth of why I have allowed myself to become a hypocrite. I am exhausted! Simply put I am tired of trying. – – Trying to stay a nice person. Trying to stay positive. Trying to be accommodating to everyone’s expectations. I am so tired of just the simple things everyone takes for granted. I am tired of hearing the little platitudes everyone throws at you. I am tired of having no one that wants to cry with me. I am tired of crying. Isn’t that funny I say I want to cry but am sick of the few times I let myself cry.
The intelligent person in this brain knows that it is the physical exhaustion that is making me not try harder to keep to the things that would ease the pain. Yes, I know that taking it easy, when I know I should, is important. Yes, I know that listening to my music can ease the tension in the body. Yes, I know not cheating on the clean eating lifestyle will lessen the pain. But when you have others fighting you each day you get tired. When you have timelines, and you are the only one that understands them, then you get tired. We all have said at least once in our life, “What the Hell!” and do what we know we shouldn’t.
Yep, I am a “don’t do as I do, but do what I say” type of person. But aren’t we all?