I am trying so hard to grow some micro greens and a few tomato plants on the deck. I added several radishes to the mix this year. Today was not a good day. Well, honestly it is what happened that sent this girl to her room in tears.
Yesterday I headed to the mall, by myself, to look for some tee shirts that would stay on my shoulders. See with the clean eating or lifestyle change I dropped 30 pounds! That means I have dropped 3 letter sizes and about 4 number sizes in clothing. All that, as we women know, depends on the manufacture and season. We know that the size “L” might be a size 14 one season then the next it is a size 16. Those manufactures like us to try on clothes; they make nothing easy. So that meant of the ten shirts I tried on in one store resulted in two different sizes for the same shape but different manufacture. Another ‘pain’ on my skin is that my poor skin is so sensitive. Most of the time I can run my hand on a piece of material or even just barely touch it to know if I will get a feeling of cactus spikes from it. Yep, sometimes it feels like that to me, and I will have to go wash my hands to get relief. But some materials I only find out as I put the piece on. It might feel ok on the outside but … the inside can make me rip it to hurry up and take it off. To shorten this let us just say it took hours (4) to find just two shirts. I was worn out and had to sit in the car before I had the energy to drive.
I was so hungry but was afraid if I got back out of the vehicle then there would be no more driving and I would spend the night in my car. It took three stops to get home, but home I got.
Then this morning I had planned a morning outing with my daughter. The University was having a mini plant sale and then we were headed to the town’s farmers market. I go with her to just get myself out of the house. But I came away with an heirloom tomato plant and with some organic baby turnips that I think will sprout again. That is what brought me to the ‘going to my room to have a melt down’. I was out on the deck trying to move some plants out of direct sunlight and bring some more outside. I have been using an extra-large pizza pan to carry three at a time. I could not bend over to set it on the floor of the deck. As soon as I started to bend my body locked up. So this girl set it on the rail. I have done this everyday for a couple of weeks, no problem. But noooooo. Not today! It flipped on me and two of my pots went over the wall. Pan and all. That was a breaking point for the emotions. I have been having financial stress and then to add this loss of those plants was too much. After crying myself to sleep for a few hours I finally decided to get my rear up and be human again.
I will tell you this. Maybe if I had released some of the financial stress, in some form, I might have laughed ‘the pots over the wall’ off. But I was raised to not let my emotions show. No matter how rude people are to me, they will not get a reaction. Even family members never know how they hurt me; I just say oh well. Then I internalize it so much that I do have a breaking point. I am beginning to think that, yes, family members know how rude they are but really are so self-absorbed that they do not care. But when you are working on the loss of quality of life and trying to adjust to all that entails, you sometimes must essentially cut yourself off from the distress. I normally can laugh about what happened today and clean up the mess. But not today. That is my warning that I was taking on too much emotionally.
So if you have an intractable pain disease it is ok to ignore those that are causing you stress. You can also go to your room, and craw under the covers, and tell the Lord that you need rest from the issue. Add a good cry and sleep for a few hours. If anyone gets hungry in your house, then they sure know how to cook, or they can cram their hands down a box of cereal and eat it dry. Sometimes forcing other able-bodied house members to take care of themselves is the best thing. If they make a mess and whine, then extend their learning to take care of themselves a few days. But do not clean up after them. So what if they work outside of the home, so what if you did everything before for them, so what if they try to degrade you for not making money for the family.
Change of subject.
I am still waiting on the second reading of my MRI. I hope by Wednesday of next week to have some answers or at least be able to get the insurance to approve a test of the upper back, neck and brain. The more I am reading on CFS leaks, I think I have a tiny one somewhere. Be it in my brain or in my neck. The instant nasal drainage, the instant hot flash, the ‘move your head and you will pay’ headache is the pits. But add the staggering when you gotta get somewhere; that is scary sometimes. I thought about moving my living room around, but heck no. I need the long line of the back of the couch to use for a hand rail. I moved it at Christmas, for my heathen tree to take a corner in the living room, but the couch sure comes in handy.
I went back to re-read the last update and realized I did not tell you about going to pick up that MRI report. Let me tell you that was just a total waste, and the reader was ‘lazy’. Everything was generalized. So I wasted a trip in my car. Then I had to sit there while they made copies of all my prior image discs. The same discs the husband had with him while I was prone on the MRI table. The same disc the tech said she would get copies from him while I was going through the test. Maybe going to a closer center was a mistake? I don’t know.